i'm tired of thoughts without actions and actions without thoughts.

i want purposefulness and intentionality. 

maybe i'm just tired of breaking down your walls
hoping that you'd be behind them with open arms

maybe i just want to walk through an open door
& feel like i am home

you lit the match & we burned up in flames

i still smell you in the smoke & mirrors
i still hear you in the echoes
i still love you in the shadows

it was a valiant effort

oh no, not wasted
every second with you
sweet than anything i've ever tasted
i hope we don't leave a bitterness in your mouth
i'll always cherish the time before it went sour

she's so stunted that she coils at any touch

she’s wound up so tight that she could snap at any second

 thank you for looking at me so lovingly & loving me so tenderly.

there are so many different types of lovers out there—
the ones who hit like a bolt of lightning,
the ones whose whispers of "i love you" still sound,
the ones who make your stomach flutter until you feel like throwing up,
the ones who make your heart race so fast you feel like you might die,
the ones who burn you w just a touch,
the ones who drown you in their never-ending love,
the ones who scratch at your skin like they're trying to tear you apart,
the ones who wait patiently for you to come home—
i just want to be the one

i confessed i never make eye contact
so you told me to look into your eyes;
you said eyes can tell you how someone really feels.
i looked into yours & you asked me what i saw;
i thought i saw love & want—
maybe that’s just want i wanted to see.

i told you that i didn’t know,
i was too afraid to tell you the truth.
i was too afraid to say love bc what if i was wrong?
it wouldn’t have revealed your feelings, it would have revealed mine.

sometimes my brain and my heart don't know how to talk
& my smile doesn't know how to reach my eyes
& my hands don't know how to hang on to the things
that are most important to me

sometimes my heart beats too fast in the quiet
& my brain thinks too much in the darkness
& i'm paralyzed by all the words i tell myself
when it all gets really bad

when i'm hurting, i turn myself inside out to protect the skin that isn't thick enough for this world. i spill my guts out to nobody who is listening. everything inside of me is there for the world to see but they don't want to open their eyes. 

you wanted me to open up to you so i ripped my chest open & my beating heart was too loud for your gentle ears. my ribs were too sharp for your fragile touch. i felt my stomach drop as you eyed my exposed body, my naked self, standing in front of you w everything out in the open. you turned away.

hello my faithful heart,
how hard you've worked to hang onto everyone that has left you behind
you can let go now, we can let go
we will be fine

i think there's always going to be a part of me that just won't let go of you
you're so magnetic, the second i get close, i get pulled in
i don't know if i'm negative or you're positive or the other way around
but our attraction is undeniable
we're polar opposites—oppositely charged but charged nonetheless
i feel the pull deep in my veins & breaking the bond is harder than anything i've ever done

what does love look like?
it looks like a smile breaking though sad eyes & a laugh quietly crawling through closed lips. it looks like your hand in mine as we lay still in the darkness. it looks like longing gazes & a simple touch. it looks like the sun coming out after the rain.

what about what it doesn't look like?
it doesn't look like the rage in your eyes that scares me or the loneliness i feel when you won't reply. it doesn't look like you doing nothing all day long & still not having time for me. it doesn't look like me crying once again for you to just love me the way that i need you to.

biology is the study of life & sometimes i look back on my notes on the biology of our lives. all living things interact w other living things & i remember the moment we came into contact w one another. every cell in my body greeted you "hello." in biology, there are different names for different types of relationships. i thought we were symbiotic—can't survive w/o each other. but i found out you were just fine w/o me. we learned a little about chemistry too—about atoms & molecules, the things that make up everything that we are. there are different types of bonds—covalent & ionic. covalent is a sharing bond—sharing electrons, giving & taking together. ionic is a give & take too, but one gives, & one takes. the giver is left w one less electron, changing its structure forever. i am left w one less you, & as a result, changed forever.

we were in the same orbit, same place, same time
but we couldn't have been more far apart
we used to collide & beautiful things would come from us

implosion is the process in which objects are destroyed by collapsing or being squeezed in on themselves. can a person implode? i am collapsing in on myself. i am being destroyed but it's me who's to blame. i feel like there's too much going on inside & outside of me. i'm being weighed down & yet, i feel like i'm floating away.

the sun,
oh how bright it shines,
brighter than i ever could
bigger, brighter, better
holds your attention more than i ever would
it burns so boldly, unafraid
i stay hidden in its light
i'm always there, covered by its beauty
when it's gone, you finally see me
(when she's gone, you finally see me)
i've loved the moon so much that i became it

an old piece i just re-discovered:

i won't be the victim, no
we've been at this for years now,
do you really love me?
i'll never believe you

you're starting to move on,
you're smitten by someone new
you're in love w her, me too
excuse me, i meant me 2

i am me 1 & she's me 2
i think it's quite funny
she's got the same name
she's me.2

she's the new & improved me,
she's the prettier me,
she's the better me,
the me that i couldn't be

but it's not your fault really
i would never hold you to it
we weren't meant to be,
you & me

i'm happy that you're happy
but sometimes i'm not happy
& it's hard to see you happy
but as long as you are

you don't need me to talk to anymore,
you've got a better ear
one that's there,
one that's near

that was always the problem wasn't it?
you said you'd give anything to change things
but it wouldn't have changed anything
i'm still here & you're still there

the moon is my love and i share her with everyone 

bc there’s nothing i love more than to see her shine

i hang dream catchers in my room, hoping to keep the nightmares at bay
i hang dream catchers in my room, hoping they'd catch you
i hang dream catchers in my room, but they just hang there