nevertheless, she persisted.

sometimes i think too much- actually, make that ALL the time, i think too much. i'm never not thinking & through this nonstop process, sometimes i come to weird realizations. one of these realizations is about why i'm not normal

i know, i know, everyone thinks that they're not normal, or that they're "different," or whatever but hear me out- every movie ever tells a story about the weird kid that just wants to fit in so they try to do the same things that everyone else does to conform. but i want to fit in too (sometimes). so why don't i try to do the same things as everyone else?

after analyzing myself w my limited knowledge of psychology (1 semester of psych to be exact), here's what i've got: i'm too insecure to be "the same." you might be thinking, what is she talking about? well, you know how kids are always too insecure to be different so they try to be like everyone else? i'm the opposite. think of all of the stuff that i don't do- those stupid dances (like the fortnite one or whatever) or saying "big mad" & turning into one of those ukelele girls that post covers on twitter

i'm way too insecure about myself to even TRY to do those things. i always think that i'm going to look stupid or sound dumb so i never even attempt it. i'm too scared of the unknown, too afraid to do something that i've never done before. so while all the kids are out here looking dumb collectively, i'm over here looking different, singularly

my friends all are outgoing, silly, crazy, loud people. they will do the weird dances, in public, in front of everyone. i don't even try to do them in my room, alone. my friends will talk too much, make weird noises, laugh so loud, & i'm over here going "omg shush" instead of laughing w them. they're out here being dumb while they're still young enough to be dumb (though honestly, they'll probably be this way forever) while i'm being completely boring & never doing anything dumb

all my life, i've had to have it together- to be a good daughter, to take care of my siblings, to get good grades & be a role model, to do everything right so that i wouldn't get yelled at- that i never got the chance to make the small mistakes & do dumb things & learn. now i just feel behind, different, even dumb sometimes, bc i never had those experiences bc i was always afraid of failing, or of letting someone down. i was never enough & it made me insecure & basically ruined everything for me

being too afraid of doing anything made me so "straight-edge" & "shy" & whatever else i've been called. now when my friends do ridiculous things or say something weird, i just shake my head & laugh awkwardly. i don't know how to be like them, like the kids these days. while i was busy being "mature" & "smart," i missed out on being "silly" & "dumb"

i don't even know where i was going w this post but i just wanted to share that realization. i guess it got me thinking about how i never let go or do anything crazy, even if it's just something small that's probably not even really considered crazy. maybe it's something i should start trying to change- not being afraid to look stupid