Alike | short film

7 minute short created by Madrid based animators, Daniel Martinez Lara and Rafa Cano Mendez that touches on a child-parent relationship & how one parent must recognize that what is expected in society may not be the best for his child. 

As an Asian-American artist that has always been expected to pursue a different career path, this short made me tear up.

The Science of Well-being | Why Our Expectations Are So Bad

Annoying Features of the Mind (Cognitive Biases)

1. Our strongest intuitions are often misleading 

• Miswanting (term coined by Tim Wilson at the University of Virginia & Dan Gilbert at Harvard): act of being mistaken about what and how much you're going to like these things in the future
• The mind gives us intuitions about what's going to make us happy but it can be wrong
• Why does this mis-wanting occur? What is up with our mind that it delivers to us incorrect predictions about what we're going actually like? What are the biases that caused these?

2. We judge ourselves relative to reference points which are often irrelevant and make us feel worse than we should

• constantly judging relative a salient, but often completely irrelevant reference point 

Ebbinghaus illusion

which of the two orange circles do you think is the larger orange circle? 

-they are exactly the same size which you can see once the blue circles are gone

-the presence of these other circles on the outside (reference point blue circles) makes it so we actually don't see the circles at the same size even though they are
-we only see them relative to the circles around them

• We constantly judge relative to other stuff out there in the world—it messes up our judgement of what the thing we really care about
• Do we actually see these kinds of reference points messing up our happiness judgments? 

Reference Point #1: Ourselves

• Whatever your counterfactual is, it's affecting your happiness
• It's not what you have, it's what you think you could have had
• Ex. How much salary do you need? What's the salary that you get your required income that would make you happy? 
• It just goes up depending on what you were making before. You constantly bump yourself up. Our idea of a good income is not just done in absolute terms, it's done relative to some reference point

Reference Point #2: Social Comparisons

• We care about where we stand relative to other people, even more than our own absolute level
• Ex. You're more likely to want someone to be paid less, rather more than you. You're less happy that somebody else makes more than you, even though it doesn't affect your earnings

Solnick and Hemenway's survey: "Imagine you were to pick a job with one of two situations. Which would you prefer—"Have a job where you earn $50,000, but everyone else in your firm at your same level is only earning $25K OR a job where you are actually earning $100,000, but everyone else around you in your similar pay grade is actually earning $250,000 dollars?"

• Over 50% of people choose having half of the income so they won't be less than others, even though the second option doubles your pay
• We would assume that our minds would use reasonable reference points but they don't

O'Guinn and Schrum wanted to see whether people who were exposed to crazier and crazier reference points, more unrealistic standards of salaries and incomes, actually got messed up.
They found as you go up in your TV watchings, you also go up in your estimation of other people's average wealth. You also go down in your estimate of your own wealth relative to others. So the more TV you watch, the more unhappy you are with your own income.

• Nowadays there's a very special, new set of reference points—social media
• When making upward social comparisons, you definitely think that target is better than you
• When you're making downward social comparisons, you don't get that same bump for yourself
• Our minds suck at picking reference points. It just soaks in whatever reference point we get, with barely any filter. The more you can kind of force that filter on it, the better you will be

If we created a culture of social media where you gave the full picture of what it looked like then those might be yardsticks that actually didn't have these detrimental effects. You can pick your social comparison group to be way different than you. That can cause you to realize you can use the power of social comparison for good, because you're realizing that what looks bad to you is not actually that bad in the scheme of things if you use other people. The act of kind of counting your blessings is a sort of form of that and can be really powerful.

3. Our minds are programmed to adapt and ultimately get used to things 

• We just have these minds that adapt over time and habituate
• Hedonic Adaptation: process of becoming accustomed to both positive stuff & negative stuff, such that the effects you get from that emotionally don't work as well over time
• Dan Gilbert (book: Stumbling Into Happiness) notes that wonderful things are especially wonderful the first time they happen but this wanes with repetition

You get everything you want and you get used to them. They become the new normal. They stop bringing you the happiness that you expect. And they reset your reference point for the future. This is one of the reasons that when we get this stuff, it doesn't make us happy.

4. We don’t realize how good we are at adapting and coping and mis-predict how certain outcomes will make us feel

Impact Bias: tendency to overestimate the emotional impact of a future event both in terms of intensity and its duration

• We think it's better than it's going to be at the moment we get it & we think that it's going to last longer than it really does.
• Mis-predicting the duration prevents us from taking certain actions bc it may be risky. 
• There might be a bad outcome & w think it's going to affect us for a long time, but it doesn't.

Does the impact bias get lessened every time you have the experience? No. Every single time, you still mis-predict the next time that you're like, "this time I'm still going to be really upset" and you're just not. We don't get better at impact bias as we get more experience with it.

Focalism: we tend to think about just one thing about an events, forgetting everything else that could happen in our lives

You focus on one bad thing but a year from now, you're going to be doing many things & a lot will have happened. Your life will be filled with stuff that is not just that one bad thing. It's not going to be as bad as you think but focalism mean you ignore all of the other stuff, leading to mis-predicting.

Immune Neglect: we are sometimes unaware of the power of our "psychological immune system." We have this tendency to adapt to and cope with negative events. We're pretty resilient. We actually don't like when sucky things happen to us & our minds don't like to feel really awful so we have
lots of mechanisms for feeling better when we feel really awful. You engage in those mechanisms much more so than you realize. 

Kindness & Social Connection

• Focus on positive practices that enhance our social lives
• Make a habit of increasing our social connection & taking part in more random acts of kindness
• Happy people are motivated to do kind things for others
• Simple act of doing a random act of kindness can come with a host of positive benefits 
• Doing nice stuff for others can increase our mood & our feelings of social connection

Black Lives Matter

so much is happening in the U.S. right now & it's absolutely heartbreaking. every injustice, every death, every video, every missing person, every hurting family—it makes me so sad, so frustrated, so furious. i am not a super outspoken person; i am quiet, a peace-maker, someone who tries to live in love & kindness, and i don't believe in anger or violence. however, i DO have opinions, i do have a stance, & i do feel angry. i'm not gonna pretend i'm the most "woke" & educated person on all social injustices but i'm not blind to racism, privilege, stupidity, corruption, etc. so i cannot stay silent. 

black lives matter. white privilege exists. we should be allies. black people need justice. all lives matter is not a thing. blue lives matter is not a thing. yes everyone's life matters. but y'all don't seem to think black lives do. that's why BLM exists. yes cops are people too. but no one's skin color is blue. they're not friggin' smurfs. they chose their profession. black people don't choose the color of their skin. yes there are good cops. but cops are still killing black people & getting away with it. they're escalating protests, hurting innocent & peaceful people, & using excessive force. their "non-lethal" crowd-control tactics are killing, are hurting, ARE lethal.

i have honestly been so overwhelmed by everything that has been happening. i go into a spiral on twitter looking at all the posts, all the news, all the videos, and all the comments to try to discern what's fake news, who's really instigating, if the police are justified in their actions (& so far i have not seen an instance in which they were). my heart breaks every time.

i don't have the words that can explain how i'm feeling, how black people feel, how everyone is feeling. i've seen & shared so many posts in the last few days so i gathered some in hopes that other people's words & posts are most eloquent than mine

On the protests/BLM/racism

On race being a "political opinion"

On "ALL LIVES MATTER"

On the sudden amount of racism

On our "leadership"

On privilege

On religion

On calling protestors "anti-military"

On civilian and police relations

What Is The Secret Of Happiness? | The School of Jessica Kellgren-Fozard

The Science of Well-being | Intro & Misconceptions about Happiness

G.I. Joe Fallacy

• Mistaken idea that knowing is half the battle
• Knowing something is not enough to actually change your behavior
• If we really want to change our behavior, we have to change habits

Savoring

• Act of stepping outside of an experience to review and appreciate it
• Intensifies and lengthens the positive emotions that come with doing something you love
• Boosts our mood:

1. make us remember the good things in life
2. helps thwart mind wandering, keeps us in the moment
3. helps increase gratitude

• Practice the art of savoring by picking one experience to truly savor each day

-Ex. nice shower, a delicious meal, a great walk outside, etc.
-Enhance savoring: sharing the experience with another person, thinking about how lucky you are to enjoy such an amazing moment, keeping a souvenir or photo of that activity, and making sure you stay in the present moment the entire time
-Make a note of what you savored

Gratitude 

• Positive emotional state in which one recognizes and appreciates what one has received in life
• Benefits:

1. increases mood
2. lower stress levels
3. strengthens immune system
4. lower blood pressure
5. stronger social connection 

• Take 5-10 minutes each night to write down five things for which you are grateful

-Revise and reconsider goals and aspirations that will not lead to improved well-being
-Practice savoring and gratitude every day for at least one week

Things we think will make us happy (but don't)

• Understand that simply knowing is not enough to change behavior
• Examples of what things won’t make you as happy as you think they will

Jobs

• what we think we need actually jumps up every time we get more
• this is a problem for kind of finding a good job that's going to give us a good salary

Money

• psychological wealth is not financial wealth
• Ed Diener's studies look at what the correlation is between your income and life satisfaction

-poor nation: true that as your income goes up, your life satisfaction goes up
-presumably if you're super poor, you're not actually getting your even basic needs met
-wealthy nation: not really seeing any correlation

• David Myers: "Compared with their grandparents, today's young adults have grown up with much more affluence, slightly less happiness and in fact a much greater risk of depression and all kinds of social pathology."
• Emotional well-being rises with your income but stops after $75,000. Why $75,000? Not really clear but they know that's kind of a plausible number at which you think money's not an issue
• Life Evaluation: "Imagine you could evaluate your life on a ladder numbered from 0 to 10 and the bottom is the worst possible life and the top is the best." Where do you put yourself on this ladder? What's your perspective on your own life? Not, are you actually happier, actually blue, actually stressed, but your own vision of your own life
• Even though our emotional well-being isn't going up after $75,000, we think our own evaluation of our own life is going up
• Mismatch between how we're actually feeling & how we're evaluating our real life
• high income doesn't actually mean happiness but it kind of makes you think that you must have a life that's happier when you're like, "I make $200,000. " When you think of that, you're like, "I must have a really good life" even though it's not actually translating to

Awesome Stuff

• Folks in the 1940's didn't have half the awesome stuff that we buy to make our lives happier
• science is learning is that thinking about stuff, kind of being materialistic, wanting stuff, and sort of striving to get it seems to actually make us worse off than we would be at baseline
• materialist attitudes that wanted stuff had lower life satisfaction than non-materialists

True Love

• certain number of people got married & they got asked are those married folks happier than the non-married folks? if they are happier, how long does it last? 
• married people are in fact happier in that first year or two. there is this honeymoon effect where you report being happier. but sadly, after that, it goes back to baseline

Perfect Body

• folks that lose weight, folks that are stable on their weight, & folks that gain weight—at baseline, they're about the same, but four years later, the folks that lost weight are actually in the worst category
• they're the ones reporting the most depressed mood & it's almost like double the kinds of depressed mood that we see in other folks
• people who'd eventually get cosmetic surgery were already worse than other folks
• does beauty really make us happy? do these changes in beauty we think are going to make us happy, like losing weight, or changing our hair, do they make us happy?
• these extreme changes in our looks or maybe even having these looks goals at all seems to actually reduce our well being

Good Grades

• getting a grade higher than you expected is way less high on a happy scale than you expect
• you're still kind of mostly happy, but not as good as you expect, not really any different from getting what you expected on getting 
• getting lower than you expect is way better than predicted, it's not actually going to affect your happiness that much

Why we have misconceptions

• How much do genes and life circumstances play into happiness?

-50% genetic set point for happiness
-10% effected by life circumstances
-40% controlled by actions, intentions, habits that people bring in

• We can work hard to be happier. The problem is that we are working towards the wrong things.
• The mind all the time is delivering to us these intuitions about what's going to make us happy, what's correct, etc. with full force, like that's the right answer, but it is just wrong.
• In the 1940's, people aren't seeing commercials and advertisements for things on TV and on the Internet in nearly the same way as now. all those things seep in, pushes material culture

Sometimes, the things that our brain are telling us to do are either not true or lead us astray. How do we deal with that? Mindfulness and mindful noting of different thoughts. These things that you have these cravings for are really just thoughts. Thinking of them as such can cause you to take a step back & really look at whether those things are helping you.

Introduction to Visual Studies: Fantastic Art

Fantastic Art

• one of the major art movements of 20th century
• radical, reactionary, controversial, challenged what constituted as art
• "anti-art" that gave rise to exploration of subconscious mind & other-worldly senses
• explores the absurd, bizarre, imaginary, whimsical, grotesque, etc.
• examination of "the other" challenges idea of abnormality

History

• originated in 1916 as reaction to WWI & coming to a close before end of WWII in 1940
• stressed growing interest in alternate way of living/thinking as a way to counter destruction of war & threat of developing technology
• threatened by Futurism which embraced technology, speed, machines, violence

-Fantastic artists felt robbed of their individuality
-needed to save it through personal interpretations of imagination, emotion, instinct 

Fantastic art has 2 unique styles

Dadaism (1916–1923)

• Zurich, Switzerland, reaction to WWI
• artists denied conventions of world, opposed accepted norms
• promoted absurdity, nihilism, irrationality
• called for deliberate chaos & randomness to reflect senselessness of war
• strove to stop violence as well as traditional art/culture through radical creations & behavior
• anti-art: stood against things that were beautiful
• called for rebellion against society's principles which were believed to contribute to the war
• explored the naive or childlike nature of art

Surrealism (1924)

• grew out of the chaos & nihilism of dada --> interest in dream world
• explored realm of imaginary & unreal
• explored states of unconscious mind 
• artworks were more positive in content & purpose
• reaction to war: encouraged people to cure themselves by tapping into unconsciousness
• psychoanalysis
• union of conscious & subconscious coexisting
• "pure psychic automatism...an attempt is made to express...the true functioning of thought"
• embraced chance, juxtaposition of ideas, forms, & meanings

Independent Artists did not want to adopt an art movement's goals or affiliations

• portrayed what they found meaningful & important
• inspiration stemmed from imagination, private dreams, memories, experiences

-Henry Rousseau

• inspired by nature & belief in ghosts
• supernatural, haunting, theatrical iconography

-Marc Chagall

• based work on memories of his native village
• paintings were poetic & nostalgic representations of his past
• people/animals defying proportion & gravity
• influenced by expressionist & cubist movements
• refused to analyze meaning of his images, viewed them as presentations of self

-Giorgio de Chirico

• most influence on surrealism
• troubling, bizarre, disturbing imagery
• reflect mood of the time characterized by social, political,  economic, industrial change
• metaphysical paintings w symbols of ancient antiquity & modern invention
• revealed a way of creating an alternate world by combining familiar & strange images

Human Emotion: Emotion Elicitation

Emotion processes

Reactivity: type/magnitude/duration of response to internal/external environment & have significance for personal goals

Regulation: processes by which individuals influence which emotions they have/how they experience & express them

Understanding: knowledge about whether we or other people are experiencing emotions (can we accurately detect them in ourselves & others)

Tools & Methods used to elicit emotions

Film Clips

• Used to elicit positive, negative, neutral feelings
• Emotion processes: reactivity, regulation, understanding 
• Advantages: good ecological validity (dynamic, socially embedded) 
• Disadvantages: require high cognitive demands (thematically complex & cannot elicit full array of emotions) 

Static photos

• IAPS (international affective picture system) or Emotional faces
• Robust elicitor of emotions
• Emotion processes: reactivity, regulation, understanding
• Advantages: low cognitive demand, low language demand
• Disadvantages: limited range of emotions, human facial expressions can be exaggerated

Relived emotions

• Recalling/trying to retrieve memories & go back in time to relive the memories as strongly as possible
• Autobiographical memories vs. Shared memories
• Emotion processes: reactivity, regulation, understanding
• Advantages: personally relevant & engaging, good ecological validity
• Disadvantages: idiographic stimuli (not standardized), high memory demand 

Dyadic Interactions

• Interactions btwn people (differences btwn who the people are)

Human Emotion: What is an emotion?

1. Emotions motivate behaviors

• Push us towards achieving goals
• Help us shy away from dangers & threats

2. Emotions are a social glue

• Bring us towards others
• Keep us in lifelong bonds 

3. Emotions are critical to our health

• Underlie our mental well-being
• Promote physical well-being

Theories of emotion

ANCIENT GREECE- sees emotion in conflict w reason & rationality
Hippocrates: 4 humors (need a balance of all 4)

1. Black bile 
2. Yellow bile
3. Phlegm
4. Blood

Aristotle: Moderation principles
    Finding a balance, not having too much or too little emotion


ENLIGHTENMENT- thought more about what an emotion really is
Decartes

• taxonomy of emotions
• text: Passions of the soul- description of bodily causes, effects, functions

Spinoza
Hume
Darwin

• evolutionary approach
• emotions weren’t irrational but served a survival purpose
• emotions evolved & were not specific to humans

William James: father of psychology

• emotions are secondary to physiological phenomenon
• Stimulus —> physiological response —> emotion
• Ex. Snake —> heart racing —> fear

Cannon-Bard:

• Physiological responses alone cannot explain emotion, they’re too slow
• Stimulus (snake)—> subcortical brain interaction (registering what's happening)—> simultaneous of physiological response & experience/subjective quality of fear

Schacter-Singer: 2 factor theory of emotion

• Appraisal of physiological experiences defines & determines emotional response
• Physiological reaction —> Cognitive evaluation —> Emotion
• Ex. Stage 1: Snake —> Physiological —> Stage 2: Cognitive Elaboration (way you think about what the physiological approach means) —> fear

Lazarus: Cognitive theory: cognition necessary for emotions to occur

• Ex. Snake —> Cognitive thoughts about it —> Physiological —> Emotion
• no emotion w/o cognition

Components of Emotion

• Emotions have a valence (flavor: positive, negative, neutral)
• Have an aboutness (about something, eliciting or intentional object, trigger)
• Serve a purpose or function: vital to our survival, enables pursuit of goals
• Multi-component response

-Subjective experience
-Outward display of behavior (bodily action)
-Physiological aspects (autonomic system)

What an emotion is not

Mood: long lasting state (days, weeks, months); no eliciting object (aboutness)
Feeling: subjective representation of emotion, private experience to individual
Affect: broad, all encompassing umbrella term; refers to general topic of mood, feeling, emotion
Personality trait: stable individual difference
Cognition: do not have facial expressions, not always physiological arousal

Categories of emotion

Basic/Discrete:

• Emotions as discrete categories
• Biologically fixed, universal
• Basic emotions: anger, fear, happiness
• Complex emotions: combination of basic emotions, culturally influenced & constructed
• Theorists: Paul Ekman, Decartes, Silvan Tomkins

Dimensional:

• Combination of several psychological dimensions
• Emotional landscape map: Pleasant, Unpleasant, Anxiety, Boredom
• Wilhelm Wundt, James Russell, Lisa Feldman Barrett

sometimes my brain and my heart don't know how to talk
& my smile doesn't know how to reach my eyes
& my hands don't know how to hang on to the things
that are most important to me

sometimes my heart beats too fast in the quiet
& my brain thinks too much in the darkness
& i'm paralyzed by all the words i tell myself
when it all gets really bad

april playlist

Julia- Jeremy Zucker
Lying- PRETTYMUCH, Lil TJay
Aphrodite- RINI
Big Picture- Audrey Mika
Tell Me Why I'm Waiting- Timmies
Yellow Hearts- Ant Saunders, Audrey Mika
Hope It Hurts- Dabin, Essenger
After The Sun- RINI
Autopilot- Tiffany Day
Oceane- RINI, Olivia Escuyos
Boys Ain't S***- SAYGRACE, Tate McRae, Audrey Mika
Vulnerable- Selena Gomez
Blueberry Skies- Audrey Mika
She- Selena Gomez
Crazier Things- Chelsea Cutler
Some Kind Of Disaster- All Time Low
Meet Me In Amsterdam- RINI
My Friend- Hayley Williams 
Y U Gotta B Like That- Audrey Mika, KYLE

AfterEffects Proj. 1 | Haiku Animation

Mar. 29–Apr. 4 | Week Vlog.

march playlist

TWFNO- Tiffany Day

Two 10s- Quinn XCII

Selfish- Anna Akana

929- Halsey

Sad Tonight- Chelsea Cutler

Good In Goodbye- Madison Beer

Say It Now- Joe Sugg

Was It All In My Head?- Olivia O'Brien

Fvck Somebody- The Wrecks

6 Months- John K

Miss You 2- Gabrielle Aplin & Nina Nesbitt

Experiment On Me- Halsey

Stupid- Tate McRae

Fake Smile- Ariana Grande

Old Me- 5 Seconds Of Summer

Julia- Lauv

TWFNO | Tiffany Day

it's been a minute since i shared any music (other than my monthly playlists, which i've also been slackin' on) so here we go. i was on youtube & randomly clicked this video on my recommended list, bc sometimes i just wanna hear something i haven't heard before.

right off the bat, i was like "an asian girl!!!" but also like "a cute asian girl!!!" (you gotta admit, her face is adorable). but also, the video itself is cute, entertaining & doesn't take anything too seriously (but also the effort put into some of the effects!!)

the song already had my head bobbing but the lyrics are also fun & life-loving, with the title "TWFNO" (time waits for no one). i had to look her up on spotify (she IS on there, also there are more songs, on both spotify & youtube) bc i had never heard of her before but she seemed to have a decent following. 20 -yr-old, writes her own songs, without further ado, tiffany day.

when i'm hurting, i turn myself inside out to protect the skin that isn't thick enough for this world. i spill my guts out to nobody who is listening. everything inside of me is there for the world to see but they don't want to open their eyes. 

you wanted me to open up to you so i ripped my chest open & my beating heart was too loud for your gentle ears. my ribs were too sharp for your fragile touch. i felt my stomach drop as you eyed my exposed body, my naked self, standing in front of you w everything out in the open. you turned away.

Dec. 29–Jan. 4 | Week Vlog.

Dec. 22–Dec.28 | Week Vlog.

december playlist

Waste- Dove Cameron

Love Song- Lana Del Rey

F*cking Call Me Or Something- Softheart

Everything I Wanted- Billie Eilish

So Good- Dove Cameron

Luck Pusher- FINNEAS

I Was In Heaven- Chelsea Cutler

Out Of Touch- Dove Cameron

Mean It- LAUV, LANY

Thank God- Sasha Sloan

You Are Losing Me- Chelsea Cutler

I Don't Think I Love You Anymore- Alaina Castillo

365/365

if every day were a page in a 365 page book, we're finally on the last page. tomorrow is a whole new year & a start of a new decade.

sometimes i forget how fast time passes. when the "start vs. end of the decade" trend popped up on twitter, i realized how long a decade truly was & how so much can change in 10 years. but a lot can change in just one year, one month, one week, & even one day. i guess every moment does count bc every moment brings you to where you are right now.

at the beginning of 2019, i didn't do resolutions bc those are usually bound to fail (at least in my case). i had some little goals, like "be kinder", "drink more water", etc. to try to better myself a little bit more every day. it's not like EVERY DAY i got better or even remembered these things but if i look at the year overall, i do think that i have tried to push myself to be a better version of myself & that's more important than any resolution. i think trying a little bit each day to better ourselves is what most of us are trying to do.

in this new year, i'm still going to try to work on the same things & keep trying to be better. i'm also going to try to figure out who the "best version of myself" really is. i'm going to try new things, put myself out there more, say yes to more. throughout the last few months, i have been trying these things & trying to be happy. & i HAVE been happier w myself.

the past year was a whirlwind of change, new things, & new adventures. i went to TFTI & FOMO (interactive photo experiences). i took silkscreen & pulls my own prints for the first time. i went to a Chelsea Cutler concert (my first ever real concert). i went to the van gogh art exhibit. i went to Austin & jumped off rocks at Mckinney Falls State Park (something i would never usually do). i went to California (& Disneyland!!!) & was gifted an ipad so i could finally draw digitally. i started my first semester in the graphic design program at UH & had a portfolio review/open studio event. in TNTT, i started the year teaching TN kids & eventually was moved to teaching NS so i went to cap II NS camp. i went to Lousiana to visit my brother. i had relationship changes & work changes. i went to New York for the first time ever & tried soup dumplings for the first time there too. & so much more happened throughout the year & everything already feels like forever ago.

but here's to a new year of even more adventures & new experiences in 2020.

hello my faithful heart,
how hard you've worked to hang onto everyone that has left you behind
you can let go now, we can let go
we will be fine

Feeling Unloved & Unworthy | Healing the Inner Child

i think there's always going to be a part of me that just won't let go of you
you're so magnetic, the second i get close, i get pulled in
i don't know if i'm negative or you're positive or the other way around
but our attraction is undeniable
we're polar opposites—oppositely charged but charged nonetheless
i feel the pull deep in my veins & breaking the bond is harder than anything i've ever done

introducing... UHGD2021

what does love look like?
it looks like a smile breaking though sad eyes & a laugh quietly crawling through closed lips. it looks like your hand in mine as we lay still in the darkness. it looks like longing gazes & a simple touch. it looks like the sun coming out after the rain.

what about what it doesn't look like?
it doesn't look like the rage in your eyes that scares me or the loneliness i feel when you won't reply. it doesn't look like you doing nothing all day long & still not having time for me. it doesn't look like me crying once again for you to just love me the way that i need you to.

september playlist

If You Need Me- Julia Michaels

Sorry- Halsey

Undressed- Julie Bergan, Astrid S (Cover)

Hot Girl Bummer- Blackbear

Feel Something- Bea Miller

Cheap Queen- King Princess

Strangers- FLETCHER

Everything- MUNA

Wicked Games- Kiana Lede

Shoulda Known Better- MKTO

P*ssy Is God- King Princess

Give Me A Try- The Wombats

Fade Into You- Mazzy Star

When It Comes To Us- Frances, RITUAL

biology is the study of life & sometimes i look back on my notes on the biology of our lives. all living things interact w other living things & i remember the moment we came into contact w one another. every cell in my body greeted you "hello." in biology, there are different names for different types of relationships. i thought we were symbiotic—can't survive w/o each other. but i found out you were just fine w/o me. we learned a little about chemistry too—about atoms & molecules, the things that make up everything that we are. there are different types of bonds—covalent & ionic. covalent is a sharing bond—sharing electrons, giving & taking together. ionic is a give & take too, but one gives, & one takes. the giver is left w one less electron, changing its structure forever. i am left w one less you, & as a result, changed forever.

time lapse #18

july playlist

Someone You Loved- Lewis Capaldi

Speechless- Dan + Shay

I Can't Stop Me- Sabrina Carpenter

Caught In The Middle- Paramore

Female Energy, Part 2- Willow

The Only- Sasha Sloan

Brain, Brain, Go Away- Unlike Pluto

Ghosting- Mother Mother

Talk- Why Don't We

Chasing Parties- Sasha Sloan
Bang- Ryan Caraveo
At Least I Look Cool- Sasha Sloan

we were in the same orbit, same place, same time
but we couldn't have been more far apart
we used to collide & beautiful things would come from us

Jul. 14- Jul. 20 | Week Vlog.

implosion is the process in which objects are destroyed by collapsing or being squeezed in on themselves. can a person implode? i am collapsing in on myself. i am being destroyed but it's me who's to blame. i feel like there's too much going on inside & outside of me. i'm being weighed down & yet, i feel like i'm floating away.

Jul. 7- Jul. 13 | Week Vlog.

r.i.p. cameron boyce

it's w a heavy heart (& tears in my eyes honestly) that i'm even typing this post but here we go. i know that everyone is hopping onto the "r.i.p. cameron boyce" train but honestly, when my sister came into my room this morning to tell me the news, i didn't believe it. i thought it was fake news & i checked some of his co-stars' social media to see if they posted anything about it. it was early in the morning so i thought maybe they hadn't heard yet. then i started crying just thinking about people like dove cameron, booboo stewart, sofia carson, & debbie ryan, his co-stars, having to hear the news

i remember watching an episode of Jessie one day & seeing this adorable little freckle-faced boy. i thought he was the cutest kid, so energetic & funny. he was my favorite character on the show, the handful of times that i watched it (though admittedly, i didn't watch it THAT much) 

what i was more interested in was Descendants. cameron boyce played carlos, cruella de vil's son. i honestly loved the movie & the main cast so much. i'll admit, i'm a 20 something year old that watched both Descendants movies & was looking forward to the 3rd. ofc i'm still looking forward to it but w this tragic event, i honestly don't know how to feel

i haven't commented much on social media about his death bc it hurts my heart & every time i see posts or hear about it, i start tearing up. i know i never met him but honestly, he reminded me a bit of my younger brother, born in the same year (cameron just half a year older). i fell in love w his characters & his energy (& those adorable freckles). now i'm sad that i won't get to see more of that. i won't get to see more movies or shows w his acting, i won't get to see him reach his full potential (he's done great so far but i know he was going to go even further)

i gotta just wrap up this post bc there are no other words i could say to describe the loss that the world suffered today. i'm grieving along w his friends & family, knowing that he may be gone but his light could never ever be fully put out. rip angel

time lapse #17

june playlist

If I Can't Have You- Shawn Mendes

False Start- Rusty Clanton

Drinking Games- Silver Sphere

Six Speed- Role Model

Thinking About- Lauren Aquilina

Glad He's Gone- Tove Lo

Nightmare- Halsey

I Can't Fall In Love Without You- Zara Larsson

In My Bed- Sabrina Carpenter

Low- The Driver Era

Call Me- Olivia O'Brien

Just A Boy- Olivia O'Brien

California- Anthony Russo

Still Mine- Alextbh

Strangers In A Dream- Phum Viphurit

CA2019

Halsey's Poem About Being an Inconvenient Woman | Glamour WOTY 2018

Lili Reinhart on Body Image | Glamour WOTY 2018

the sun,
oh how bright it shines,
brighter than i ever could
bigger, brighter, better
holds your attention more than i ever would
it burns so boldly, unafraid
i stay hidden in its light
i'm always there, covered by its beauty
when it's gone, you finally see me
(when she's gone, you finally see me)
i've loved the moon so much that i became it

Empathy vs. Sympathy | Brene Brown

6 Stress Management Tips | How to Deal with Stress

may playlist

Infinity- Niykee Heaton

EX- Kiana Lede

You Were Good To Me- Jeremy Zucker, Chelsea Cutler

Sometimes- Chelsea Cutler

Exhale- Sabrina Carpenter

Break My Heart Again- Finneas

Doin' Time- Lana Del Rey

Love Is Gone- Slander, Dylan Matthew

Sweet But A Psycho- Ava Max

Scared- Jeremy Zucker

A Thousand Ways- Phoebe Ryan

Don't Let Go- Alex Kinsey

Drugs & The Internet- Lauv

Okay- LANY, Julia Michaels

Prom Dress- Mxmtoon

just a quick pop-in to let you guys know that i've edited/updated my adobe portfolio just in case anyone is here for the artwork. there's a tab on my blog called "Artwork" that'll take you to it any time, any day but click here for the link just in case you're lazy!

HT getaway | Austin TX

an old piece i just re-discovered:

i won't be the victim, no
we've been at this for years now,
do you really love me?
i'll never believe you

you're starting to move on,
you're smitten by someone new
you're in love w her, me too
excuse me, i meant me 2

i am me 1 & she's me 2
i think it's quite funny
she's got the same name
she's me.2

she's the new & improved me,
she's the prettier me,
she's the better me,
the me that i couldn't be

but it's not your fault really
i would never hold you to it
we weren't meant to be,
you & me

i'm happy that you're happy
but sometimes i'm not happy
& it's hard to see you happy
but as long as you are

you don't need me to talk to anymore,
you've got a better ear
one that's there,
one that's near

that was always the problem wasn't it?
you said you'd give anything to change things
but it wouldn't have changed anything
i'm still here & you're still there

time lapse #16

Read This If: A Collection of Essays that Prove Someone Else Gets it, Too- Thought Catalog

this is a book that i read quite a while ago but i stumbled onto some of the pages that resonated w me back then, that still do even now. maybe they'll resonate w you too:

"the problem with other people is that they're never going to understand us as intricately as we understand ourselves. we grow disappointed in the people around us because we use our own definition of love to measure what they are giving out and if it doesn't match up, we mistake different love for no love"


"i don't think i've experienced a single loss in my life that i've gotten over in the time frame that seems to have been allotted by society as 'acceptable'"


"it's not human nature to let go. we are, at our core, territorial creatures. we fight to hold onto what we love. giving up isn't in any way instinctual"


"you let someone go at the grocery store when their favorite type of soup is on sale and you don't buy it. you let them go again when you're cleaning your bathroom and have to throw out the bottle of body wash that smells like them... sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there's nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. you are human. and it isn't always as simple as making one decision and never looking back"


"it's okay to not be there yet. it's okay to be unsure of every step that you take forward. we don't talk about how moving on sometimes feels like we're fighting every part of our most basic instincts, but we should. we should talk about how growth is often every bit as painful as it is beautiful"


"we need to keep track of our time as it's running closer and closer to empty. we need to remember to open our hearts and our minds and our thoughts and our lives up to each other, while we still have the time left to connect. we need to stay up too late and put in too much effort and be bold enough to take all of the chances that we're terrified to take on each other. we have to remember to live every day as if the next will be our greatest goodbye, because this is the greatest gift that we can give one another. the strength to live with a wide-open heart"


"the irony of growing up is that in order to do so authentically, we have to stop trying so hard. experience comes to us most fully in the moments that we do not expect and that we deal with entirely greenly... we cannot plan for the things that truly matter"


"the world is too harsh, but also too quiet. you will hear the angry words the loudest"

May 5- May 11 | Week Vlog.

"save the turtles" isn't just about saving the turtles

we've all heard that the earth is dying in like 12 or so years (ranges, depending on your source) & everyone jokes about it but no one does anything about it. there are many little things that we can all do in order to HELP decrease the waste that we produce or lessen our carbon footprint. personally, i bought some metal/silicone straws, i try to use less plastic when possible, i try to recycle as much as i can, not waste as much water, & try to eat less meat

i'm not an "environmentalist" or a "vegan" (though props to them) but i'm trying to do at least SOMETHING. but i get laughed at for bringing out my bendy silicone straws when i go out to eat w my friends & every word i say about eating less meat goes in one ear & out the other. when i'm at church collecting the daily papers that kids leave around so that i can bring them home to recycle, people think i'm being "extra." the one time i brought home boxes from work to recycle bc my workplace doesn't recycle (even though they use so many boxes), my dad made negative comments

people say that one straw, one piece of plastic doesn't matter but to the one turtle that dies from it, to the one bird that eats it, it does. people who think that one person or one act makes no difference are the problem. people like to say that straws are barely any plastic & we use more plastic w other products but if you add up every straw you've ever used in your life, that's a lot. if you think about every sheet of paper that you never recycled, it's a lot. & that's just for YOU. so multiply that by all the people in the world who think it doesn't matter & it turns out to be a lot of waste

my sister's school district got rid of recycle bins. maybe it costs too much but WHY? how can they make recycling costs a problem more important than sustainability? & then some people say it's too much work to take the extra step to do these things. it really bothers me that people can think doing one little thing to try to help the environment is a burden, like we haven't been a burden to the earth for so many years?

we say "save the turtles" as a rallying method so that we can get people to CARE. people care about the cute turtles but not about the earth. it's about saving the turtles but it's also about saving all the other animals on this earth that die from everything that us humans do. it's about all of the animals' stomachs full of plastic, chemicals, cigarettes, etc. it's about the air that we breathe being polluted & our kids inhaling it. it's about the fact that companies make millions off of the things that are bad for us & we support them & we keep letting them & we don't regulate them enough

this is just a little rant that i've had growing in me bc i am surrounded by people who don't care, who waste & don't think about the repercussions, the consequences, & the effect it'll have on the earth. we depend on the earth, not the other way around. the earth was doing fine w/o us on it & it was better off that way. we love ignoring environmental problems & we go on twitter talking about cancelling toxic people, as if that'll make the world a better place. but WE'RE the ones that are toxic, for the earth

i don't care very much if i die in the next 12 years but i do care about the earth & about other people & about the children that have to grow up w these problems that WE created. & maybe you don't think you would make a difference, but DO IT ANYWAY bc at least then, you could say you tried

we all need to try. we all need to stop thinking of this as a burden & start being accountable for our actions & what we did to the earth. i don't believe that ONE post is going to do anything or change anything. but i hope it does. & that's the key. hoping that we all start getting some sense & try to lessen the damage before it's way too late

museum adventures | Vincent van Gogh: His Life in Art

hey guys, it's been a while. i have been preoccupied w school & work & projects but it's finals week & i'm FREE. i had been DYING to go to the Vincent van Gogh: His Life in Art exhibit at the MFAH since i heard about it, but i decided to wait until after my classes were done, so that i could focus on them. but i'm done w them & i finally went to the exhibit!!!

i didn't really take many pictures of the exhibit itself, since it was pretty crowded when i went. i went w my friend daniel & we awkwardly shuffled around to look at Van Gogh's paintings & drawings while trying to not run into the crowds of senior citizens that were also there for the exhibit

real talk, the exhibit was okay i guess. there were some reproductions in the first room, a timeline of Van Gogh's works in the next few rooms but i had much more fun in the companion display: Van Gogh Up Close. it's like an interactive room for kids, families, etc. & there are set ups for photo-taking, for drawing, & more

daniel & i took some photos in the interactive spaces & drew some sunflowers in the art-making area

all in all, i had a blast. getting to see works of van Gogh that i had never seen before was great & inspiring & getting to go to Van Gogh up close was a terrific experience. going to the exhibit was a great way to kick-off my summer

Apr. 28- May 4 | Week Vlog.

the moon is my love and i share her with everyone 

bc there’s nothing i love more than to see her shine

april playlist

Should I- Phoebe Ryan

We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off- Ella Eyre

Run And Hide- Sabrina Carpenter

Boats & Birds- Gregory and the Hawk

Longer Than I Thought- Loote, Joe Jonas

X Games- Au/Ra

Woke Up Late- Drax Project ft. Hailee Steinfeld

Imported- Jessie Reyez ft. 6lack

Dead To Me- Blackbear

Where's My Love- SYML

Pressure- Milk & Bones

85%- Loote, Gnash

Falls- ODESZA ft. Sasha Sloan

Two Shots- Goody Grace

Hate My Guts- Blackbear

Church- Aly & AJ

Vanilla- Moody Beach

Dissolve- Absofacto

Peer Pressure- James Bay ft. Julia Michaels

Monopoly- Ariana Grande, Victoria Monet

Apr. 14- Apr. 20 | Week Vlog.

march playlist

It Sucks- Avonlea

Wish You Were Gay- Billie Eilish

Particular Taste- Shawn Mendes

Patient- Charlie Puth

Luving U- 6lack

That One Song- Gnash, Goody Grace

Pushing 20- Sabrina Carpenter

Affection- Between Friends

Linger- The Cranberries

Better Man- Little Big Town

Bad Guy- Billie Eilish
Die Happy- Dreamers
Swear To God- Blackbear
Boys Will Be Bugs- Cavetown

If Bollywood Songs Were Rap | IISuperwomanII

Feb. 24- Mar. 2 | Week Vlog.

february playlist

The Last of the Real Ones- Fall Out Boy, Madein TYO, bülow

Flightless Bird, American Mouth- Iron & Wine

Us- Carlie Hansen

FFYL- Quinn XCII

Break Up With Your Girlfriend, I'm Bored- Ariana Grande

Good Thing Go- Quinn XCII

Fool's Gold- One Direction

Needy- Ariana Grande

Numb- Carlie Hansen

Psychopath- Charlotte Lawrence, Nina Nesbitt, Sasha Sloan

Lucid Dreams- Juice WRLD

Don't Feel Like Crying- Sigrid

Maybe I'm Afraid- Lovelytheband

Bury A Friend- Billie Eilish

Feb. 17- Feb. 23 | Week Vlog.

Cara Delevingne | Overcoming Depression and Anxiety

ever since i bought this baseball shirt, i had this outfit in my head & just needed a pair of white vans. well recently, i went to the mall & got myself some & i was very excited. however, i am dumb & i wore them to my silkscreen studio class. i figured it would be ok bc i wasn't going to be working w ink but i forgot that i would be working w screen filler (something that you shouldn't wear white around). by the end of the day i had little pink/red splatters on my brand new white shoes & i was very upset

i went home & tried to clean it off but no luck so i tried to bleach it. apparently i didn't dilute the bleach enough bc it yellowed/discolored my shoes & i was even more upset. so i found out how to get rid of most of the discoloration (baking soda + water) & while the screen filler spots aren't out, & the shoes might not be as white as they were, at least the discoloration is gone

moral of the story is that sam can't wear white shoes

long sleeve baseball shirt (thrifted)
ripped jeans (hollister)
The Kiss- Klimt art socks (amazon)
white slip on vans (journeys)